smooshspace

I always keep you close to me.  Even when I’m away.

I always keep you close

Hello my darling.

In the last week or so it seems that you have made a fundamental change in your exploration of our world.

For the longest time you have  been meticulously cataloging the tangible objects you have come in contact with.

“What’s that?”
“A chair.”
“What’s that?”
“Snow!”

You now seem to have a good grasp on the fundamental elements that make up your usual stomping grounds so the question of the days most recent and those to come is “Why?”

I’ve been very excited about this phase of your development since well before you existed.  In fact, well before your mother and I even met.  I have always wanted to answer the million inquiries that help shape a child’s understanding and view of the world.

I look forward to seeing your quest for knowledge grow more complex, and I promise that as you dig deeper with your questions I will do my best to answer every subsequent level of  “Why?”

A conversation from yesterday at dinner.

Me: “It’s time to get cleaned up and get ready for bed!”
You: “Why?”
Me: “Because dinner time is over, and now it’s bed time.”
You: “Why?”
Me: “Because bed time comes after dinner time and it starting to get late so that means it bed time.”
You: “Why?”
Me: “Because time is generally perceived to flow in a linear progression with later events like bed time following the earlier events such as dinner.”
You: “Oh.”
Me: “Are you ready for bed?”
You: “Yes!”

Glad we got that sorted out. 

I do hope you never stop asking why.  Feel free to challenge me; if I don’t know the answer we will go find it together.  If we have to perform an experiment to find the answer, I’ll be your willing lab assistant.  If we just plain can’t figure it out, well, there’s always a million more questions to consider while we let the stumper ferment in our minds.  Feel free to call me when you figure it out, any time of the day.

“SNOW!?”, she yelled as she looked at me with a toothy and somewhat inquisitive grin; as if she were not quite sure if she was correct in her assessment of the fluffy white stuff falling to the ground.

“Wow!  It sure is, the first of the year!”

“Open the door Daddy?”

I slid open the big glass patio door and we stood with our heads poked out into the downfall of heavy snow like turtles from a giant shell.

The wonder emanating from my two year old girl, my Lily, was as tangible as the snow itself.  She’s seen the snow before but to a one year old a snowy day is much like any other.  To a two year seeing, really seeing the snow for the first time is a wondrous event.  Tentatively she reached out to touch it, immediately recoiling with another giant grin and a giggle when a big flake hit her hand.

“‘’s cold daddy!”

I stuck my tongue out and tried to catch some with her following suit immediately after like a seasoned pro.  We didn’t catch any but the conversation quickly turned anyhow.

“We build a snowman?!”

I explained to her that it was too dark and we would need more snow for that, but promised we would as soon as there was enough snow.

After some further discussion about the snow it was decided that we will build a snowman when we have enough snow, make it’s nose out of a carrot, and then eat his nose.

We stood there a couple of minutes longer, the silence broken by giggles and squirming to get both at and away from the snow.  The whole while I was in awe of the pure joy and excitement she was experiencing from something many of us older folks grumble and cry about.  At the same time I noticed that I was not grumbling and crying but rather experiencing pure joy and excitement from the snow through the proxy of this bright little pair of eyes.

I’ve heard people talk about experiencing the world for a second time through the eyes of a child; while never really skeptical about it, I never truly understood it until recently.

I love being a dad.  It is the single greatest thing that has happened to me since my birth.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it SNOW!

Dear Lily,

It was a cool July day near Parry Sound when you were baptised into Canadiana by virtue of two acts.

First: You went for your first canoe ride.  Encased in your bright orange body armour life jacket you hopped into the canoe with your mum and held on tight while we pushed off from the dock.  It wasn’t too long before you got your canoe legs and were peering over the edge looking for fish.  Shortly after that you were moving around enough to make your mother and I nervous that you would tip us all into the lake.  Par for the course and expected behaviour from you…

Secondly and perhaps more significantly you went for your first swim in water that is described as “Nice, once you get in.”  This phrase has popped up every single summer of my life and this one has been no exception.  In all my years I have only rarely heard “The water is warm!” or “It’s COLD!”  No, almost invariably the first person in the water pulls out the “Nice, once you get in” line.  Here’s a tip from your dear old Dad.  100% of the time, that means IT IS COLD.  Don’t be fooled.  What these people are really saying is “IT’S COLD.  But once you lose the feeling in your legs and your heard and lungs recover from the shock of the temperature change it becomes somewhat tolerable and perhaps even refreshing.”  I guess that’s just too long to say…But now you know what it means.

The shock on your face was admittedly kind of funny.  I could see you struggling internally as your mind tried to reconscile the following:

• I love swimming but…
• Why would you do this to me?!
• Why can’t I catch my breath?
• Why is this life jacket strap so far up my bum?
• So. COLD.
• Hey, this isn’t so bad.
• Where did my legs go?
• I CAN”T FEEL MY LEGS!
• Ahhh…this is refreshing.
• Out please now ok?
• More swimming please?

As an adult and just a few moments earlier my mind went through the exact same process.  But this time it didn’t take too long for me to build up the courage to take the plunge as I wanted to show you that it’s wasn’t so bad and that you should be brave.

Anyhow, welcome to Canadian life my dear.  I fully expect you will repeat this every summer.  I’m happy I was here to guide you into it.

It’s been a while since I wrote my dear…

I just wanted to say that I had a great time with you this past weekend.  Your mom was sick and in bed so it was just you and I for the most part…

The weather was unseasonably warm at about 27C on Saturday and we did the following:

• You slept in a bit late which is always appreciated
• After your bottle we listened to music, danced and built towers out of your big blocks.  Actually I built towers, and you knocked them over and laughed…ya jerk   (And I can call you that because by the time you are reading this you are old enough to know that in this case, it’s meant in jest)
• We went to your swimming classes…you seem to enjoy the water, and your favourite game was motor boat… You even liked the part where you get dunked.
• We sat on the sidewalk and drew with your sidewalk chalk.
• We ran up and down the hill in the back yard and picked flowers.
• We sat on the sidewalk and ate a Popsicle together while I drew you pictures of cats and doggies…
• You watched a couple episodes of  “Super Why” while I rested on the couch, because you’re so full of energy and I am old and can’t keep up
• We went for a walk, but quickly retreated due to the oncoming storm front!
• We watched the storm from the kitchen and then the front porch, you loved every minute of it!  And this makes me very happy, because I love storms too!

It was a very good day…

Sunday, a bit cooler and wet so we stayed inside, mommy was still sick so it was us again for much of the day…

• We made googley eye glasses for you out of construction paper and tape and a pair of sun glasses, you were quite impressed…as were mommy and me…
• I made you a paper crown and you pretty much tore it apart with your teeth, but at least you had fun.
• We made more towers out of your blocks, and again you knocked them down…
• We jumped on the bed for a long time…and you hid under a pile of pillows…
• We watched our neighbour raking leaves….
• We danced…you are such a good dancer.
• You put make-up on your eyes and mouth like mom does, except you used markers…It was pretty awesome…

This may not seem all that exciting now, but I just wanted to say that I had a lot of fun with you this weekend…

I love being your dad…you make every single day better…

It’s been a long week for your dear old dad my dear.

My dad (Papa) is recovering from surgery. He’s doing well, but it’s always hard to see someone you love in pain. While you may go on with your life almost normally, it’s a feeling that’s always there in the back of your mind, weighing you down slightly.

I’d say that I hope you never have to deal with watching a loved one endure pain, but that would be unrealistic. It’s one of those inevitabilities of life and the world.

With something like that in your mind you may find that the small irritants in your life may seem larger. Much larger. A spilt coffee may make you want to yell at a kitten and go back to bed. A stubbed toe may make you want to kick the wall even harder to teach it a lesson. A commercial for hemorrhoid cream may bring you to the brink of tears with it’s lamenting song…

All rather irrational responses to everyday situations, yet at the time they seem to make so much sense.

But if I may offer some advice… Indulge the irrationalities up to a point. They do offer a vent to release a bit of built up pressure but don’t let them take over. Recognize them for what they are and reign them in. Take that energy and find a more productive way to deal with it. Bake dad some cookies for instance. You will be happier in the end, and you may stop what can often be a downward spiral into anger that is hard to stop once it’s in full swing.

If you try to suppress your emotions, it will only work for a while, and you will explode later. If you let them run wild, you will feel out of control, and likely feel worse because being out of control is rarely a good feeling. Instead, try to guide them and use them to your advantage where possible. Pour them into art or or something else that you love.

It took me a long time to learn what I mentioned above and I hope you do too. Ideally before you are a teenager, because man…that shit scares me.

Every day I find myself amazed that she just seems to get cuter and cuter, and I love her more and more.

I’ve been meaning to mention that a photo of Lily has been the January label for Swinger coffee from lizzysfreshcoffee.com!

As an aside, this coffee is fantastic…both laura and I pretty much consider it to be our favourite morning coffee, hands down.  I will be ordering some even when the label changes.

I highly recommend Lizzy’s coffee…order some up!

Thanks to Lily’s uncle Gus (GuGu, as lily calls him…) she now has a wicked new red rocket of a sleigh to do stunts on…

I’ve always heard the term Daddy’s Girl, but never truly understood it until I had one of my own.

This little monkey grabs on tight and won’t let go.  Once safely in my arms she looks around at everyone, including her mom and waves them off with a “Bye!  It’s me and daddy now, don’t need you guys…”

It makes me feel a little bad sometimes, when she waves off her mom…but I (not so secretly) love it…even when my arms are tired because I’ve been holding her for an hour.

I got to thinking yesterday, that this sweet behavior, may turn out to be a curse when she’s older and decides that she doesn’t need her daddy to hold her and keep her safe.  I’ll just be left with the memories of my little tree frog, clinging to me and drooling on my shoulder.  I’ll smile at the thought of it, but hope that she comes home soon to give me a hug.

I don’t know what it is about me that she seems to cling to so much.  Maybe if I spoiled her all the time I would understand.  But I am no pushover.  I am stern and let her know when her behavior is not appropriate.  Maybe it’s my smell, but as I sniff myself while writing this I think that that probably isn’t it.

I really don’t know, but hope it lasts a very long time.

And I hope, that she always needs her daddy to keep her safe and warm, even when in reality, she doesn’t.

Lily at the Computer

I hope Lily turns out to be a nerd. Probably because I consider myself a nerd, and I think most people want their children to become little mirrors of themselves.  But I also want her to embrace and welcome our new robotic overlords.

I  respect the analytical mind that lives within many nerds, and hope that she can embrace the best parts of nerdhood while leaving behind some of the stereotypical social awkwardness that often comes along with it.

Just in case I haven’t mentioned it lately, you light up my life little buddy…

I love…

• … the way you see the world.
• … the way you smile at strangers as we walk by, spreading your happiness everywhere we go.
• … the way you peek around the corner and say “Hi!”
• … the way you test EVERYTHING to see if it’s edible.
• … the way you blow kisses and say “Bye!” when you’ve had enough of something.
• … the way you surprise us sometimes, with real kisses.  You hold them back for when you mean it.
• … the way you grab a book, walk over and sit in my lap and look at me expectantly
• … the way you get distracted after I’m into page 2 of the book and go get another one…
• … the way you move the mouse around like a pro, rarely lifting it off the desk.
• … the way you help load the dishwasher (Even though it’s not quite helpful yet…)

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday Lily!

Your party was yesterday, but today is the anniversary of the day you changed our lives by becoming a part of them in full force.

Lily eats cake!

I cannot imagine life without you in it. Every day is brighter because you are a part of it, and I smile every single day since you’ve been here.  It’s been a fun year, and you’ve come a long way.  I can’t wait to explore the future with you, but please take it slow, because your mom and I want these times to last forever.

Just for the record, one year ago you looked like this…

One Day Old

Love you sweetheart…

Dad

Well Bug,

After almost a year of one of your parents taking care of you every day, it’s time to take the next step into the realms of daycare.

It’s a tough thing for us to do, and if we had the financial means to stay home with you every single day, we certainly would.  But alas, it is not to be.  (Though I fully intend on playing the lottery from this day forward)

I dropped you off this morning for your first trial day, you reached out for me as I left, and I broke a little.  Leaving you with  a stranger (Though we have done our homework, we didn’t just find her at a bus station) is very unnatural feeling.  But I know you will have fun, meet other kids (I hope you’re not beating them up, bruiser), and learn a lot.

It’s only a half day today, so I will be there promply at 12:59 to pick you up.  I expect a big smile and a hug when I see you.

You have an afternoon and a full day this week, and then next week is the big one, 5 days in a row while we go to work.

Come on Lucky numbers, we’re counting on you.

Love you sweety…

Dad

Dear Lily,

Wow.  You’re walking more than crawling these days.  This is a very exciting time for all of us, but I have to admit, you look like a little prize fighter.  

With all this walking comes a lot of falling.  In the last week you’ve ended up with a fat lip, a goose egg on you forehead, and now a black eye.  Add the the list a couple of little scratches that you manage to give yourself with your razor sharp little fingernails, and your general state of dirtiness from eating and playing in the back yard, and you look like a little street urchin who talks with her fists.

Actually, the black eye wasn’t from falling, it was the discovery that if you set your little pull along toy on the table, then violently yank the leash, it will by the grace of gravity fall and hit you in the face.

Bumping into things is one of the most important parts of your early learning process though.  And that pain does teach you a lot in these days where words are few and are primarily a novelty used to make your mom and I clap and grin like fools.

Despite that, I’m still a little reluctant to take you out on the town, lest an overzealous and overprotective parent (You know, the kind that put helmets on their 7 year olds while they eat dinner to ward of deadly spoon or Jello accidents) think that we are roughing you up!  

You certainly keep us on our toes.  In fact while writing this I had to go grab you off your little plastic bike because you sometimes like to stand up on it instead of sitting on it…

I won’t be surprised if you become an extreme athelete when you grow up.  The though of which will likely put your mom and I into early gravesl, but hey…you have to be you…

Love Dad

Deal Lily,

Sit outside in your garage, or on your patio one night, as severe thunder storms are rolling in.

Have with you, your favourite drink.  I’ve choosen a moderately good scotch.

Set up a comfy chair in the middle of your venue and quietly watch it happen.

Play some music.  I suggest on an AM/FM radio, if something like that still exists.  The interference caused by the nearby lightening can often be interesting.  Listen to the rain hitting the ground, and the trees crying out with the rustling of their leaves.

Feel the thunder as it washes over you, and through you on the particularly close strikes.

Watch the imposing and perhaps agressive clouds marching forward.  So removed from their sunny day cousins.  They bear no particular malice, just the need to release their pent up energy in an blaze of power and sound.

Sit through the lulls and the peaks.  There are often moments of peace among the torrents.  Enjoy them for what they are.  Life in many shades.

Resist the urge to run when it seems overwhelming, and feel your heart beat as your fleeing insticts float near the surface of your conciousness, ready to strike.

Yell back at it if you like.  Yell with the trees and the clouds and throw your energy to the swirling mass.  Tonight I have chosen not to, on another night I will.  Tonight I’ll let it recharge me.

Write a letter if you are so inclined, and see what happens.  It will be different from what you would write if you were sitting inside.  It won’t likely be as rushed.

Do all this my dear, and you will know me slightly better.

I hope one day to do it together.

Love, Dad