Dear Lily,

Today is going to be a rough day, though you don’t know it yet.

For the last few months you’ve been pretty spoiled.  In order to have you sleep soundly, you’ve been sleeping with us most of the night.  This is the case because when you wake up alone, you have a tendancy to cry, wail and scream until you’re blue in the face.

We hate to hear this, as we hate it when you are upset in any way.  It tears away at us and makes us want to run and pick you up and hug you until you shut up calm down.  Personally, I also like waking up and seeing that you are there, breathing and happy.

However…It’s getting to be time that you sleep in your own bed.  If we don’t start this now, by the time you are out of your crib, you will just get up, walk to our room and demand that we let you into bed with us.  If we refuse at that point, you may start gathering weapons to convince us with.

This is behavior that just won’t do I’m afraid.  So, on the advice of our pediatrician, we are going to start the hellish process of letting you cry it out.  But please remember, we love you.  You are a persistent little lady, so I’m sure you won’t give up easily.  I fully expect 2+ hours of wailing before you put yourself to sleep.  Your mom may have to leave the house for this, and I don’t really blame her.

I seem to be able to shut off the reaction to run and hug you a little bit easier.  While your mom rocks back and forth on the bed, I am able to watch tv.  Perhaps it’s something to do with my growing up in a big family, I had to learn how to shut things out.  But it certainly won’t be easy, so please go easy on me.

So, please do enjoy the day, and tire yourself out so we can make this process easier on all of us.

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Love, Dad

This made me laugh today on my drive to work.  Thought I would share.

Hi Lily,

Today you are 66% of 1 year old.

In that time you’ve gone from a little immobile lump of cute, capable of not much more than laying around eating an pooping to a fast moving, clawed, sharp toothed, babbling whirlwind of cute.

You exhaust your mom and I, and we may get grumpy about it from time to time, but we love it, and wouldn’t want it any other way. (Except we might have you sleep in your own bed, but I admit I do like waking up and seeing you there, snoring away…)

You’ve got so far to go little lady, and so much to see. I envy you that, and hope you will take us along for the ride from time to time. You’re moving faster than we ever could have imagined.

If you look back here one day, and read these entries about you, I hope you look back fondly, and know that you are the most important thing in our lives.

If you are a teenager reading this…Take my advice and just try to remember that yes, the teenage years are crazy, hectic, emotional, painful and wonderful all at the same time. Enjoy it, for all the ups and downs.

If you are older, reading this as a young adult entering the working world: be smart, work hard and find better ways to do things. Just because the person before you did something in a particular way, doesn’t mean it always has to stay that way. People appreciate initiative and smarter ways of doing things. It will take you far.

If you are reading this while your own child sleeps a few feet away…I envy you. It’s the greatest feeling in the world. Hold him/her tight, cuddle, kiss and enjoy your baby.  Next thing you know, 66% of their first year will have passed, and you will be wondering where the time went too, and you’ll be in awe thinking about how old 8 months really is.

Being a dad has certainly exposed me to a whole new set of feelings and experiences.
Today I was exposed to instinctual selflessness.

This morning, as I was walking down the stairs I somehow missed a step and fell hard…but the scary part was that I was holding Lily at the time.

That certainly adds a whole new terrifying element to the already frightening experience of falling down the stairs.

Like a lot of moments like this, everything moves in slow motion. But unlike usual there was a new dynamic. I had no conscious thought about breaking my fall, pain, or any other such trivial thing. The entire conscious portion of my mind was focused on Lily. Poor little lily falling to the floor with me. Everything was focused on making sure she was ok. Instead of reaching out to break my fall, I was reaching out to break hers. Instead of focusing on my pain, I was focused on saving her from any pain. In fact, I don’t think I felt anything at all until after handing lily to Laura’s safe hands.

Poor Laura…What a way to wake up. I admit, I screamed. A true scream of fear, calling out to Laura. I thought Lily had hit her head on a wooden edge that runs the length of the stairs. I called out because I needed Lily to have as much help as possible. Not because I was down.

As it turns out, Lily was frightened, but seems no worse for wear. Apparently the instinctual overrides in my psyche did their job and protected Lily quite well. After only a couple minutes of crying she was back to her normal routine of chewing on anything she can find and smiling at the world.

Me, I’ll be aching for a few days I’m sure…But that’s still hardly my concern. I just keep looking at Lily and thanking the universe that she’s ok.

This being a parent thing…what a rush…a wonderful, terrifying, amazing rush.

P.S.
Thanks mom and dad…for catching me when I fell….I’m starting to understand you guys more and more as time goes on.

Over the long weekend Lily had some new developments. Blueberries would be one of them. Oh how she loves them, and for those without first hand experience, I can tell you that they are surprisingly similar upon exit.

Those big blue eyes are complimented well by the blue goo that covers her face, sometimes so extensively that she looks like she has some deep blue 5 o’clock shadow. Amusing to be sure.

Her other development is a new found attachment to me. While she’s always liked being held by me, and playing with me, suddenly she seems to be going out of her way to make it known that she wants to be with me. Last night for example when laura had her resting on her chest in bed, Lily took a look at me, crawled off Laura and cuddled into me and went to sleep. I’m not ashamed to admit that it made me a bit weepy that my little girl said so loud and clear that she loves me with her actions.

The down side to this… Over the weekend she seemd to get accustomed to waking up at 6am with me, at which time we would have our breakfast, play and cuddle while Mom slept in a bit. It was nice to have the time with Lily…I miss her when I’m at work. Work, the problem. Tuesday as I was getting up and getting ready for work she sensed the change. Dad had to iron his clothes, and shower and basically do his own routine without the little tag along. And when it came time to say goodbye, my little buddy, so confused and sad wailed with her arms raised in the air, wondering why I wasn’t picking her up so we could go play.

Awful…It hit me in the gut and made me want to call in to work saying “sorry, Lily needs me more than you” It made me think that it seems so counter intuitive to go away and leave my progeny behind to spend the day ensuring businesses can keep selling things we don’t need to buy, and that we can keep paying for them.

I’m left with conflicted priorities.  I want to stay with her 24×7, teaching her about the world and exploring it with her.  But I want to give her every opportunity she could want.  Travel, education, good food, a warm home, toys now and then.  For that I must leave her daily and spend 10 hours out of her reach.  +Sigh+
My instincts tell me to stay, my current status as a pawn in a commerce dominated society makes me go…

Despite the inner conflict, there is part of me that smiles as she reaches for me with tears in her eyes, because it unequivocally tells me she loves her daddy.  That’s an indescribable feeling.

I’ve not had too much to say lately, so a random update.

I’ve been playing with a number of things lately. Project Ubuntu is still ongoing and I am a proud and loud proponent of open source software now. Gone are the shackles of the Microsoft overlords, and I’m happy about it.

In other nerdy news I’ve really come to love the ever popular site Life Hacker since I found this article explaining how to turn my point and shoot cannon into a super camera with a non destructive firmware hack (CHDK) I can now use the camera to take my regular point and shoots, but in parallel save the RAW files which I can tweak (develop) when loaded into GIMP or Photoshop.

In life news, it’s time for a new furnace and air conditioner. Our yearly inspection brought to light some deficiencies which required an upgrade. One of the greatest deficiencies of note is that the furnace was approximately 65% efficient. Not so good some someone like myself who is becoming ever more concerned with his environmental footprint and fuel usage.

Our new unit is rated at 96%, which will do wonders for the heating bill, and my conscience. This will be installed tomorrow. We have also arranged a home energy audit which will identify areas for improvement, as well as make us eligible for sizable government of Ontario rebates for the furnace, and anything we fix that is flagged in the initial audit.

A long weekend approaches. I’ve taken an extra Friday off, for no other reason than I am not a fan of working. We will be taking Lily to the Zoo with her friend Sadie for a picnic. This past weekend we realized Lily is a bit of a jerk, when at Sadie’s first birthday party, Lily stole her happy birthday balloon and made Sadie cry. What are you going to do, someone’s got to raise the trouble makers of the world, may as well be us.

Work is work, and little has changed.  Laura is beginning to fear the realization that she will be required to return to work in a few short months.    I don’t blame her.  I leave Lily behind every morning and it still causes me pain daily.  It’s such an unnatural feeling to leave.  Life in the modern commerce driven society…

I suppose I should cut this short and get back to auditing some bills sent to us by contractors.  How this falls into my job title of network specialist, I don’t know, but that’s the story of my life.  I very rarely do what I am getting paid to do, but no one ever seems to mind.  I suppose I can’t complain…

I drive to work every weekday, 45 minutes.

Often times I spend this entire time in my own head, in my car. Just a singe person, in a tiny, uncomfortable bubble.

When I find myself in a mindset like this, it bothers me. It bothers me because I know there is more to the world than that. It’s at times like these that I stretch. Not physically, but mentally.

I start my stretch with a reach outward from the introverted mindset and realize that I’m not alone on the 401. I’m in fact joined by thousands of other minds sitting in their own physical and mental self imposed bubbles. It makes me happy to know that somewhere out there on the stretch of road there is likely someone else stretching out their world view to include me as an anonymous like mind.

Beyond the road I find that aside from being one of thousands of people on a well beaten path, I am part of something bigger. The grass, trees, insects, rodents and other living and breathing organisms join me as part of my day. I include them as my mind stretches across the blanket of life that stretches out in all directions surrounding me. Somewhere among them, one briefly glimpses that it is part of something bigger, something that includes me, and I smile to think of it.

A bigger jump now. I’m standing on a ball called Earth, staring up at the sky with my arms raised like a kid on a roller coaster screaming with wonder as I am hurled through the solar system at 107,000 km/h. I’m in the front seat of the coaster watching the sky race by at a blinding pace that I am usually oblivious too. My mind wanders to someone else on earth, arms raised, screaming with joy as they sit next to me on this cosmic coaster. I do not know this someone, but we are kindred, and I smile to think of it.

Stretch. Our solar system is on of innumerable similar systems in the galaxy. We hurtle through the galaxy at speeds that escape my wildest imagination. Our galaxy in turn rockets through the universe in a like manner. How many sentient beings scattered across the known and unknown vastness at this very moment hold a picture of the universe in their minds and are reaching out to embrace with thought, like minded individuals. Billions. Trillions. Numbers that perhaps escape description. All of us, on our own coasters, arms raised in the air hurtling through time and space toward unknown destinies. So far apart, yet together in a very real and epic sense. Once again, I smile to think of it.

Dare I continue and test the limits of my mind’s reach and venture into higher dimensions where even more sentients are stretching the limits of their consciousness across the near infinite possibilities of what I can only call existence…

Wow…a few moments prior I was a single man, in a car in traffic. Now, I am a voice among innumerable others, calling out to and embracing all of existence.

I look across to the person in the car next to me, and wonder “Are you in a tiny bubble with no room to stretch or breathe, or are you at the front of the coaster, screaming with me?”

Think about it.

Its been a while since I’ve gone solo to a movie, but today it will be ironman.
I rather enjoy the sunday matinee experience. There is a certain filter of people that appeals to me.
The punk teens are still just dragging themselves out of bed. Some volume is decreased by the absence of sunday churchgoers. What’s left is a rather peaceful moviegoing experience where one has their choice of seat, the popcorn is fresh and the movie can be enjoyed with minimal murmur and distraction.

I do enjoy a night out at the movies with friends, but the solo sunday noon show is a more personal moviegoing experience that’s all about me. And really, isn’t that what it’s all about?