And so it begins.  The family roadtrip.

We’ve done some long drives to and from cottages before, but the time in the car was simply a means to an end in those cases.

In this case, the journey feels like part of the adventure.  We’re off to a place none of us has been to before to visit friends in Walton, KY.  (Kentucky for those that think KY is only lube)  Along the way we will stop in Sandusky, Ohio for a fun filled water park adventure at Great Wolf Lodge.  It’s a bit out of the way, but it’s a pretty awesome place.  It must be magical to a 3 year old.

Once we reach Kentucky…I have no idea what’s there or what to expect.  Fried chicken on every street corner?  I’m blissfully ignorant to all things Kentucky and I kind of like it that way for the moment.  It’s like reading a book you randomly pick up at the library, no expectations.

Wish us luck!   I hope we can get over the border, because Lily’s passport photo doesn’t look much like her anymore, but we forgot to get it replaced.  Fingers crossed

Over the past week or so life has thrown some darkness my way.  So how amid all this can one keep perspective and move on?

What I have found in my time here on good old planet earth is that it is important to take solace in the small but wonderful things that surround me every day.

I take a moment now and then to sit on my deck in the sunlight, close my eyes and simply listen.  I breathe in the world as it is with all my senses and let the music of the world, the music of life, wash over me.  The birds still sing, the wind still blows, and the sun still warms my skin.  Somewhere someone mows the lawn and somewhere someone hammers away, creating something new.  It’s in these moments that I see that what is important in life is life itself.

I take a moment and cherish the experience of sitting with my sticky, goofy, wonderful child while she eats her watermelon and stares at the clouds.

“That one looks like me daddy!  It has eyes and a mouth!”

When the sun retreats behind a cloud she complains of being cold so I kneel down and wrap my arms around her.  “Are you warm now?” “I love you daddy.”  Chomp chomp chomp…watermelon really is great isn’t it?

I sit at my computer.  I read the words of friends and family.  I see the recorded moments of new children, new love and new pains.  I see that despite whatever may be happening in my life, life moves on in all its wonder.  This makes me smile, and gives me perspective.  It’s not all about me and my problems.  It’s about everyone.  Everyone’s joys, everyone’s pain and everyone’s moments.

With this perspective I move on and  embrace my life with all it’s ups and downs.  I let it shape me, but not break me.  I let it wash over me, but not pull me down.  I experience the world, never alone, but a connected and important part of it; making my own music and enjoying the  symphony of which I am a part.

That’s how I keep my perspective.  That’s how I find a way to smile, whatever comes my way.

Have fun today and take a moment to listen.  You may be pleasantly surprised by what you hear.

Below, as a matter of public record is a letter to certain members of my family who will not be named, but know who they are.

—————

As you all know I have made choices in my life which differ from many of you.  As a result I have been ostracized by my family on a number of occasions.  While this is painful, it has been something I have been willing to live with to a point.  I have forgiven you numerous times and carried on, respecting your beliefs and your right to them.  I have respected your choices and have never spoken any ill will directed to you.

It was my hope that in time you could realize that despite our differing beliefs, I am still a good person who strives at every opportunity to bring love and respect to the world.  I have made mistakes along the way as we all have, and I have always trusted that my family would forgive them and respect me for my overall intentions to do good and be a loving and moral person.

Years have passed and I have learned much. Most importantly I have learned how to be a loving husband, father, brother and son.  I strive daily to treat others with respect and dignity; lessons I have learned from you, my family, and my upbringing.

Time and time again I have attempted to bridge the gaps that exist in our relationship with kindness and a smile; only to be met with further indignity and slight.  I have never tried, nor would I ever dream of making attempt to change or challenge the beliefs that bring you so much joy.

This being said; it is becoming ever more apparent that my hopes of living in a complete family filled with unconditional love, the type of family I hope to raise my daughter in,  is simply a dream that cannot be realized given the way in which we have chosen to live our respective lives.  Our diverse outlooks are simply incompatible.  I have attempted  to respect you and your beliefs, but yours preclude any possibility of you respecting mine.  In fact, they dictate that you treat me in a manner which can only be described as 20 year cycle of psychological and emotional abuse.

I cannot in good conscience have my daughter exposed to people who subscribe to a belief system that would willingly support the extreme mental and emotional anguish you have each personally chosen to put me through over the last 20 years.  I would never put her in that situation at any cost.  It is a belief and action that is truly abhorrent to me on every level and goes against everything I ever learned about the concept of a loving God.  I struggle with the idea that essentially good people such as yourselves can support it. Because you can; I will not have my beautiful daughter know you in any way.

Please know that I will never forget the good that you have contributed to my life, and I will continue to never speak ill of any of you.  However beyond that, I will henceforth  cease to speak to you, attempt to include you in my life, or try to engage you on any meaningful level.  Rest at ease that you no longer have to make this continued decision for yourselves;  no option to the contrary exists for you any longer.  Any remaining love and respect I had for you for you has finally been diminished after the years of systemic abuse you have subjected me to.  Should we cross paths in future it will now be as strangers to be avoided.  You need not worry that we may inadvertently strike up friendly conversation; this option is no longer an option for you.

I hope that this brings you some peace and happiness.  It is the cumulative result of the continued affronts and indignities you have served to me and my real family over all of these years.

You may not believe me at this point, but I truly hope that you find your beliefs to be true, for I would never wish upon any of you that you might come to the realization that you have wounded me and our family so deeply — for nothing.

Please know that this has been entirely my decision, and I hope that no one else in our family needs to suffer because I have chosen to be a good person in a different manner than you.

To those reading this for whom it does not apply; I love you and I always will — unconditionally. You are truly wonderful people whom I am proud to call my family.

To the rest; take care of yourselves, find happiness and love in the paths you choose as you walk them without me.

With a heavy heart,

SMSH
July 2010

This weekend it was just you and me Lily.  Mommy was off on a well deserved  vacation so we spent the weekend visiting and playing.

You rode a two wheeler with training wheels for the first time a Belle’s, played with puppies and spent a lot of time jumping on Coco’s trampoline.

All that was great fun, but there is something that sticks out in my mind even more.  Sunday it was just you and I at home alone on a hot day.  We needed some supplies so we got ready to drive to the grocery store.  At the last minute you asked “Can we walk to the store?”  Great idea.  We’d have to limit our shopping list but it would be a good start to the day.  When asked what you wanted to buy you replied with almost no hesitation “Lemons”  Umm… sure.  We’ll make lemonade, good idea.

We made our excursion to the grocery store and returned with the days supplies in hand.

We squeezed all our lemons together and laughed most of the time we were doing it as we each tasted the lemons and puckered our faces.

We took our lemonade out to the shade of the maple tree by the side walk and drank it while you showed me how to play hop scotch.

We followed up the lemonade with big slices of watermelon and chalk drawings of our family.  Eventually as all of our activities finally do, it turned into a wrestling/tickling match in the shade of our big tree.  Afterwards you took a rest and lay your head on my lap as you finished some watermelon remnants.  You let me stroke your hair while you stared up at the sky and talked about clouds and air planes and told a few crazy stories.

Lunch came and went and we both had our naps to recharge our batteries.

Next we pulled out the giant bubble maker and we filled up the neighbourhood with giant bubbles; each of us took turns kicking, poking and biting the bubbles up and down the street while the other took control of the bubble maker.

As we had now had our fill of sun we came inside for a snack and an afternoon movie.  It was Bambi.  You had never seen it before and you were a bit tuckered out so you curled up next to me on the couch and we watched it beginning to end.  It was hard to explain to you why Bambi’s mommy didn’t come back.  I don’t think you understand yet, but we’ll work on that in time.

Oh, on a somewhat related note; about the flowers in the vase, the ones who’s stems were to short to reach the water so they shrivelled up.  You were so sad that they were ‘sick’, so after I added some water to the vase and told you that it would take a bit of time for them to get better I snuck out to the back yard and replaced them with healthy flowers for you.  When you saw them again later you responded with “Daddy!  They got all better!  I’m sooo happy!”  I figured I would tell you about my little deception now before I forgot about it.

We cooked corn for dinner and ended the day with a bath and a bit more cuddling before bed.

All in all it was a day filled with relatively simple pleasures.  Bubbles, watermelon, chalk drawing….  But you know what?  It was one of the best days I have had in a very long time.  A very spiritually refreshing day.  I took a very long route to get to why I started this little note.  What I really wanted to say is don’t underestimate the power of simple pleasures.  The world will throw a lot of complex, wild and interesting entertainment options at you as you grow up.  Some of which will be beyond my imagination I’m sure.  But don’t be fooled into thinking that these are the only way to have a good time.

All the high definition, surround sound, immersive and mind blowing technologies in the world would have a hard time standing up compared to the fun you can have by simply sitting in the shade, eating watermelon and blowing bubbles with someone you love.

I hope you never lose sight of that.

Love Dad.

First off the warning.  If you read beyond this point you waive your right to complain about me being the guy who writes too much detail about his kid and forces information about her bowel movements on you.  You’ve been warned…

—-

The rumours you have heard are true; when you become a parent you automatically become obsessed with poop.

It starts with “Oh good god what the hell is that?  Is this where Marmite comes from?!” and from there steadily becomes a staple of conversation for the months to come.

• Did she poo this morning?
• What colour was it?
• How much poo?
• Was it runny? Hard?
• Has she been eating blue play-dough?
• When did she eat corn!?

Honestly, poo discourse becomes second nature very quickly.  It’s one of the best forms of feedback your child gives you about their general state of being.

Changing diapers and dealing with poo becomes something you can and will do in your sleep.  But after a while, after the novelty of  poo turns to a numb acceptance of the inevitability of poo, a third phase creeps into the mix.  The “When the hell is she going to learn to deal with this on her own” phase.

I have only potty trained one child in my life.  I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know that I could ever really advise anyone how to approach it.

For us it took a lot of subtle reasoning, and dare I say manipulation coupled with offers of material reward to get the job done.

“Are you a big girl? Or a baby?”
“A BIG GIRL!” (She yells a lot)
“Do big girls poo in their diapers? or the potty?”
“THE POTTY!”
“So where should you poo?”
“IN MY DIAPER!”
“Where do babies poo?”
“IN A DIAPER!”
“So are you a baby then?  Since you poo in your diaper?”
“I’M A BIG GIRL!”
“I’ll give you a sticker if you pee, and 2 if you poo!”
“I WANT 3!”
“Well played, 3 it is…”

I had the preceeding conversation about 200 times with my child.  Eventually she formed the idea that she was too big for diapers, and lo and behold we are now mostly potty trained and accident free.  (Actually for a couple of months now)

Sweet liberation!  We are still involved in the wiping and post-poo hand washing activities, but compared to the prior job it’s fantastic.

I should mention also that there comes into play another poo fascination phase after potty training is complete.  It’s the “Dear lord, did that seriously just come out of her?  It’s bigger than she is!  Honey come look at this!” phase.

Yeah.  Parenthood.  It’s sounds pretty strange when you actually write it down.

I created a new Facebook account today. I was interested in what the current, default settings are.

Upon browsing to the privacy setting I am faced with what looks like a nice and simple set of privacy controls.  ”Hey, great!”, thinks I, “Facebook has been promising this for a while.”

So the default settings look okay-ish, albeit not as private as some may think they are.

It likes to share your posts, status updates and photo’s with the world by default.  ”The world” meaning anyone with an internet connection.  This is pretty open, but not really more-so than a weblog or a personal website.  The problem may be in the expectations of the users.  I won’t delve into all that.

I do like the fact that the default privacy screen does give you a fairly easy way to change most of the settings from the default “recommended settings” to a couple of other presets, like Friends of Friends, and Friends Only.  The latter is my preferred setting, so with a couple of clicks I can make this the case…

“Great.  Now only people I deem as friends can access my profile information.  All is well.  Isn’t it?”  Oh brain…if only it were that easy.  Let’s jump past the fancy, drop dead easy privacy screen that just made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Let’s take a very quick look at the “Applications and websites section”.  In particular lets look at “Information accessible through your friends”  Say what now?  I though I was only sharing info to my friends.  Not through my friends.

Let’s look at those settings.

That is an awful lot of check boxes… lets read what this section is “Use the settings below to control which of your information is available to applications, games and websites when your friends use them. The more info you share, the more social the experience.”

So let me get this straight… Even though I previously just said “I only want my friends to see my information.” You remember, on that big fancy new privacy screen that even grandma can understand; even though I just said that, there are these settings hidden a level deeper that say “forget all that”.  These settings say that if my friend Joey decides to play Poodleville, that now the makers of Poodleville can see all of the information that my friends can.  But the makers of Poodleville are not my friends, are they?   I don’t understand.

And oh look.  Joey just installed Scam-ville, Data-miner-ville and I’ll-post-your-private-beach-photos-on-pervy-sites-ville.  They too can now see all my stuff.  My relationships, status updates, photos, videos, notes, etc….  Lo and behold, it turns out that the owner of Scam-ville also owns Pedo-ville and they too would love to see those pictures of my kid in the bathtub that I posted for grandma.

Why wasn’t this included in their fancy new privacy settings?   You know, the back door into all my data.    Why is the default option such that my friends bad decisions can compromise all of the information that I believed was private based on the screen prior?

I am no expert on Facebook privacy.  I believe I am reasonably locked down within the scope of what is possible on Facebook.  But in this little experiment, I was admittedly shocked that this is the default setting.

I would personally suggest navigating to Account >Privacy Settings

Look to the bottom of the page for “Applications and websites” and the “Edit your settings” option.

Look for “Information accessible through your friends”.

Edit the settings.

Uncheck everything.

I think it is horribly irresponsible of Facebook to allow such a setting to remain the default.  It is ridiculously exploitable.

Update: Thanks to victorymanual for providing this link to a tool that checks your privacy settings for you.  I thought it should make it to the post proper.

Try it here:

http://www.reclaimprivacy.org/facebook

So years after my first attempt at the WoW universe I have made my return.

I played for about 8 or 9 months in 2004/2005…I can’t believe it’s been that long…and while I enjoyed it greatly for a time it was quickly replaced by a number of things going on in my life.

Now, after all this time I’m back and impressed with what I’ve found.  Some great changes and lots of fun to be had.  Horde mage for the win!  Coming back to such a mature world I feel like a newbie among the masses of level capped people playing their alts through the content for the umpteenth time, but I don’t mind.

Thanks to the Dungeon finder I am able to see much of the content I never saw the first time around because of my minuscule patience for the cat herding required to get 5 people in the same place at the same time.  Annnnyhow…

I have always enjoyed this form of entertainment.  I find it far interactive than just watching TV.  It may not seem like it’s that different if you were to see me sitting there but there is a constant processing of the situations in the game and determination of the best or most fun way to react to those situations.  This as compared to to television that often tries to manipulate you into how to react or respond with laugh tracks and sad soundtracks…  (Don’t get me wrong, I like me some TV…)

Then there is the social aspect.  Even though I am in a dark basement alone I am interacting with real people through written word or at times voice chat. Some of these I people I have known online for 10 years.  While I have never met them, or even seen pictures of them, I have come to know a side of their personalities through avatars of mages, healers, warriors and rogues…I miss them when they are not there or there is no game to play.

Anyhow…this ends my random post entitled…”WoW”

I made a quick note in twitter about this, but I think it’s important enought to expand on a bit.  Lily, I hope you are listening…

Almost daily at work I run into the same old phrase: “I don’t know how to [whatever]…”

This is not said in an inquisitive manner.  Rather, it is stated as a fact and a closing statement.  This bothers me.

If you are saying that at work, chances are that what you don’t know is something you have been called upon to do.  With that type of attitude you will stagnate and never progress.  In time you will likely begin to wonder “Why are all of those people getting raises and promotions while I go nowhere?”

The answer is shockingly simple.  Watch the people that progress and you will quickly see a pattern; rather than saying “I don’t know how to…” they ask “How do I…?”

It’s a very small change in your approach to things that can make a tremendous difference in your career and life in general.

By changing these statements you open the potential for a flood of new information and skill which you can use to make your life easier.

Don’t want to ask your peers for help?  No worries…Here’s a tip/confession: I don’t know a lot of things. When run into a situation that I don’t know the answer to I Google it. There. I said it.  I take those 5 minutes out of my day and ask Google “How do I” and 8/10 times I come up with the answer and then I know for next time.  It’s so very simple…

Want to know something else?  You boss or senior team respect people who ask questions.  I love answering my co-workers questions.  It means that they quite likely will not ask me again next time.  If I am discussing the performance of team members with others, the people who positively stand out are the ones that ask questions because it shows that they are generally interested and engaged in their jobs.  There is one caveat to be aware of related to this though.  You need to retain the answers you are given!  Answering a question from a person once or twice is fine.  But if the same question is asked 5, 6, 7 times…you will stand out for all the wrong reasons.

To be content with your ignorance is only a disservice to yourself.  There is really no excuse for it when you are at work.  Whether or not you are in a job you want to stay if for the long term or not, learning and asking questions will never hurt.  It may lead you down a path to where you really want be and it may give you that shining recommendation from your boss that lands you your dream job.

Ask, question, progress…choosing ignorance will only haunt you later.

Week 6 Day 2     2010-03-09
Max in last set: 30+15
Notes: 14+14+15+15+14+14+10+10+(20+14+11)

It’s stretching out into a long chain of continuous effort.

The first 106 aren’t so bad.  (Who ever thought I’d be saying those words?) The last set is always the kicker.  Since I wasn’t able to manage the 45 in a straight set, I did what I could, waited 20 seconds, 14 then 20 seconds and the final 11.  I figure it’s better to keep up the momentum somewhat to get to the end than to just stop at the 20.

Why I figure this, I don’t know.  I just do.  *shrug*

151 pushups tonight.  Weee

Just in case I haven’t said it recently, I love that I am doing this.  It makes me feel great.  Wanna try?

Week 6 Day 1     2010-03-08
Max in last set: 30+15
Notes: 25-30-20-15-(30+15)

I rolled out of bed today and almost immediately began doing pushups.  Week 6 is intimidating to look at.  I still have the mental conditioning that says to me “25 pushups?  In a row? You’re crazy. Shut up.”

Regardless, I began and soon found 25 complete.  45 seconds later. “30 pushups now?  Shut up.”  30 pushups later I was impressed with myself again.  I may be accused of dwelling on the following but….when I started I could only do 8.  I love it.

20 and 15 were a breeze after doing the first two.  Admittedly the last set, a recommended 40 minimum sort of got the better of me.  I managed 30 before having to stop, but not wanting to be beaten by a number in a table I took a 20 second rest and completed another 15 before falling in a heap.

135 pushups before setting foot outside my room.

Now for a quick note that upon thinking about it seems like common sense but nonetheless took me a while to come upon…

Take it slowly.  For some reason and by some strange logic on my brains part I had this funny idea that if I had a lot of pushups to do, doing them rapidly would make me finish quicker and thereby make it easier to accomplish.  Silly brain (Or body?).  Need to run a marathon?  Oh, I’ll sprint, then I’ll be done exerting myself sooner. Thinking about it and spelling it out really makes it seem silly but that is what I found I was doing at times; I don’t really think I realized I was doing it to be honest.

I don’t point it out to insult anyone’s intelligence; I just thought that maybe someone else may keep it in mind when they are doing their pushups and perhaps find they have fallen into the same habit for some inexplicable reason.

Slowing down to a more relaxed pace has helped me immensely!

Good luck to you all.

Week 5(c) Day 2     2010-03-04
Max in last set: 35
Notes: 13-10-13-13-10-10-9-35

Despite past breaks and being a touch off schedule, I had a good night with the pushups tonight, ending with a good run of 35.

I think I’ll be ok for starting week 6′s program finally.

Week 5(c) Day 1     2010-03-01
Max in last set: 26
Notes: 17-19-15-15-25-10

Ok, after my week off I’m going back for a three-peat of week 5.  Feeling better this week, but I’m in no big rush to move on to the last weeks program.  I want to be comfortable with this one.  But not too comfortable.  Must. Keep. Pushing.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was in some sort of school doing a math test.  I was my current age and concentrating very hard.  There was a woman there trying to chat me up and distract me but I told her to be quiet because I didn’t concentrate enough the first time through school so I really wanted to do better this time.

I consider this a good sign.  My subconscious seems to want to get things done and stick them out to the end as much as my conscious mind does.  It can’t imagine it hurts to have your dreams reinforcing your waking goals.

I threw an extra set of 10 on the end of the last 25 because I just wanted to do a few more.

A quick update on the pushups…

This week is a little bit of an intermission by necessity.  Last week I mentioned that I was sick but muscled through my routine.  That was fine.  Saturday I managed 42 consecutive pushups, a personal best.  Still a bit short of where I would like to be but again, a fantastic improvement from my starting point.

This week however, I’m not sure what’s wrong.

Perhaps I have a caught a bug or something, but I am way off my game this week.  Yesterday for example I attempted some pushups but after only 20 i could physically not do any more.  I was at full exhaustion before I even reached the half way point of what I had accomplished only a few days before.

Given this development, I am sort of taking it easy this week.  I’m not pushup free this week; this week I am doing what I can (50 or 60 a day in total) and will continue with the official program on Monday.  Perhaps a threepeat of week 5.  We’ll see how I feel.

Keep pushing yourselves!

Under the covers in our little morning fort she says “Can I have your ring, Daddy?”

After a rough night of tummy aches and restless sleep for us both I agreed and with some effort pulled my wedding ring from finger to let my baby girl play with it.  That was the last I saw or thought of it until 15 hours later as I was about to drift off into sleep back at home, far from the hotel and our tent of blankets.

I’ve called the hotel and left a message with a  machine in hopes that the cleaning staff or the next residents will find it and set it aside, but my hopes are not high.  It feels so far gone.  I keep checking my email for a voice mail to come through with good news.

A depressing way to cap off the great dad and Lily water park adventure weekend.

Trying to come to terms with the loss of this precious little piece of metal that has been with me for the last 3.5 years has been tough today.  I’m a terribly sentimental person as you know; I’m not ashamed to admit it.  In trying to do so I’ve thought about replacing it it with another.  But it wouldn’t be the same would it?  Wouldn’t it just be a ring?  How could it be a wedding ring without the wedding?

Thinking of the ring my mind flashes to the warm and sunny day of our wedding and how amazing you looked as you put it on my finger.  I was so happy that day, not nervous in the least.  I was marrying the best person I’ve ever in my life met.

I thought of that day in the mall just a couple of months after we started dating when you told me that you would have to nail a wedding ring to my finger so I wouldn’t lose it.  Was that a proposal?  In a way I think it was, even though you tried to backpedal out of the comment.

Then there was the fellow at the jewelery store when we actually were looking for rings who in his thick European accent told us with great certainty “You will buy this ring!”  We didn’t buy his ring, but I’ll always remember that guy and how we laughed after leaving the store.

We did buy wedding bands that day though if my memory serves me correctly.  Yours and mine together at the same store, in the same mall.  It was a good day.

My rings was a bit loose during our honeymoon.  I clenched my hand in a fist for the better part of the week as we ventured into the ocean together.  You being chased and freaked out by the fish.  I’m still not sure why they liked you so much, they must have seen in you what I see in you.

I remember sitting the ring in the cupboard above the sink in our awesome little place on Sunnyside.  Our first real apartment that was just ours.

Flashes of Lily’s tiny little  hands wrapped around the ring.  I looked over at you, exhausted and beautiful in the delivery room. I still smile thinking of it.

Then there was the day I lost my ring the first time.  I was terribly upset and disappointed in myself.  You gave me a hug and rubbed my back as I sulked in bed. (You did the same last night.) I found it in the snowbank the next morning as I made my way to work.  We finally went and got it re-sized shortly after that incident.

All of these memories, all of these moments come to mind when I think about what made that ring a wedding band instead of just a small piece of shiny metal.  Then, it occurs to me.  The ring is not really the important part is it?  It’s the memories. And further to that, while it was a common part of nearly every memory, it was a small and in retrospect an insignificant part of the memories.  The really precious part of them all was and is you. I haven’t lost you.  In fact losing the ring gave me opportunity to actively pour over all of these memories and smile, thinking of you.

As long as I have you, I could have an onion ring on my finger and the moments would be every bit as amazing because it’s you in the starring role.

I still want my ring back, but after a lot of thought today I now know that it is ultimately replaceable. You on the other hand are unique, wonderful and irreplaceable .  As long as I have you, everything else is fine.

Love you.

UPDATE:

Shortly after posting this, I got the voice mail I was waiting for.  They found the ring in the lobby and it will be shipped out tomorrow.  Thank you to the staff of the Great Wolf Lodge.  You folks are amazing.

Week 5(b) Day 3     2010-02-19
Max in last set: 26
Notes: 13-13-15-15-12-12-10-26

I’m sick.  Nauseated, headache, sneezing…You name it.  So why I ask myself did I insist on doing my pushups today?

The answer: I don’t know.  I do however have a theory.

Finishing things has always been a tough thing for me.  Seeing things through to the end is a personal struggle that I have been trying to tackle in earnest lately.

Maybe it’s because I’m turning 35 this year and I think if I’m going to improve myself I’d best start now.  Or maybe it’s because I am a full time role model to my daughter and I want to make sure I am setting a great example for her.

It’s a combination of the two for sure.

So afraid of losing momentum today I decided to muscle through it.

On my first pushup I thought I would never do two.  On my 5th, 13 seemed far.  But as I kept going, set after set, it almost got easier.

The pounding of my head from the exertion was getting worse, but I was surprised that I managed to keep it up.  By the last set as I was shooting for 30 my stomach started to churn but my arms kept moving.  15…20…25….26…..

That’s all I could manage.  My stomach is still churning.  But I followed through.  I’m going to finish this thing.  I’m going to do 100 pushups dammit.  If I can do this, who knows what’s next.  A few weeks a go 100 pushups was an urban legend, now it’s in reach.

But for now, so is the couch and a bad movie. I earned it. 116 pushups today.

Take care.  Push yourself.

Week 5(b) Day 2     2010-02-17
Max in last set: 20
Notes: 14-14-15-15-10-10-10-25

Well in line with my absent mindedness I completed half of day 2 of week six before remembering that I was re-doing week 5

113 pushups in total for today’s routine and I feel pretty good afterward.

I think next week should be fine for progressing to week 6.  The key will no be overdoing the junk food this weekend when my friend and I take our 2 year old daughters away for the weekend.

A dad and daughter day at the Great Wolf Lodge indoor waterpark.  Weee!

Week 5(b) Day 1     2010-02-16
Max in last set: 20
Notes: 17-19-15-15-20

So this weekend I was supposed to do an exhaustion test and then move into week 6 Starting monday.

I didn’t.  Over the weekend I was not feeling very great, and had an extreme lack of energy and motivation.  I did make an attempt on the weekend at the exhaustion test but after 15 or so I just couldn’t keep it up.  I’m not sure what was up but I was under performing by a great margin and decided to just take it easy instead of injuring myself.  I’ve felt like I’ve been getting sick the last few days, maybe that’s it.  Maybe it was just because of the long weekend and my desire to do absolutely nothing.  Either way…

Here I am at the beginning of week 5(b) because I have decided to repeat week 5 and make sure I am comfortable with my performance before moving onto week 6 of the program.  This will also help me keep in mind that this is a training program, not a race in itself.

I did my set last night and despite still feeling pretty tired, it seemed easier than the same set last week.

I will keep on keeping on until I reach the 100.  I still feel progression.  Not as fast as I would have perhaps liked, but progression just the same.

Go me!

Week 5 Day 3      2010-02-12
Max in last set: 25
Notes: 13-13-15-15-12-12-10-25

Yet another week over.  I can’t believe I’ll be starting week 6 next week.  It seems  like I just started out.  That is, I will start week 6 if I am able to successfully manage at least 45 consecutive pushups tomorrow afternoon during the exhaustion test. 45  sounds intimidating.   But not out of reach which I still find impressive in itself.

I was a few short this morning, but I’m to too broken up about it.  The first 7 sets were not too bad, but the 30 on the last was just a bit too much for me today.  No worries.

In theory by the end of next week I should be in the one hundred pushups range, but at the risk of sounding defeated before the end, I’m not too confident that I will reach 100 by the end of next week.  If I don’t, I will be repeating week 6 until I make it there.

That kind of makes me think, what do I do afterward?  Just keep doing week 6 until I can do 100 pushups without a second thought?  That sounds like a good enough plan.  I’m sure I could continue and extrapolate the progression for the hundred pushups formula and push into the +100 territory.  Or maybe start doing pushups with small children sitting on my back…

I still need to get into the rhythm of the 200 crunches routine.  I have done a few but can’t quite get the steady routine worked out like I have with the pushups.  Time is pretty limited in the morning so it’s not quite feasible to do both.

On another stream of thought entirely…LET GO OF THE TREADMILL.

It drives me nuts to see people with an incline of 10° on the treadmill and then grabbing the console and leaning back 10°; effectively canceling out any possible benefit from the incline.  They may as well be walking flat!  Then there are the others who will straighten their arms and lefitate themselves above the conveyor and ‘walk’ at ridiculously fast speeds by just brushing their feet on the conveyor.  This makes no sense.

I think people may be too preoccupied with speed on the treadmill and will use their arms to take on the workload that their legs cannot manage at high speeds.  But this really serves no purpose.  You are better to go at a slower pace and actually exert yourself than to pretend to.  I can get my heart rate every bit as high by running a 6° incline at 5mph as I can by running flat at 8mph.  (While I am a metric Canadian, I am using mph as that’s what my treadmill uses.)  Hell, I can get my heart rate just as high by walking 3mph and walking at a 15° incline.  Speed is not the key to a good workout.  Exertion is the key.  Actually using your legs to hold you up and provide your balance will yield far better results.

Please note, I am not a professional at all, but I have read a fair bit on the subject and have compared the methods personally.  Holding on to the treadmill, unless some medical condition dictates that you should, is only fooling you into thinking you are doing well.  It’s also quite likely a reason that you may not be reaching your goals.

Week 5 Day 2       2010-02-10
Max in last set: 25
Notes: 10-10-13-13-10-10-9-25

100 pushups in today’s routine.  8 sets with shorter 45 second breaks in between.  Looks like we are transitioning into an endurance building routine to prepare for the 100 consecutive push-up goal.

It was a challenge today, but I finished with a healthy struggle and a satisfying collapse by the end and no significantly extended rest periods.  (There may have been a few seconds here and there due to my short attention span and bad morning math…)

Speaking of bad attentions span and thinking about how on my last exhaustion test I lost count half way through my test…I had a brainstorm this morning and realized that I can record my next attempt with the webcam so that I can always go back if I forget how to count midstream again.  Once again technology fills the deficiencies of my brain.

In the “things I have learned” department.  I’ve adopted the idea that if my mind says stop, I should keep going.  If my body says stop, I should listen.

The reason for this is that my mind is quite devious and has a habit of lying to me when it comes to what I am capable of.  “You can’t do 10 more minutes on the step machine, stop and go home!” it says.  To which I reply “Quiet you! Or I’ll stab you witha  Q-tip!”  I prefer to listen to what my body is saying and follow it’s cues.  It doesn’t seem to be capable of lying to me.  If I need to stop it tells me in no uncertain terms, it doesn’t waffle about at make excuses.

I find it interesting how one part of my brain can bombard me with negativity while another part entirely seems to be able to objectively listen to the cues from the rest of my body.  Then there is a third aspect of the mind that can consciously make a decision regarding which of the other two parts to listen two.

Funny things we humans are.

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