Driving home yesterday I experienced a strange and profound feeling, somewhat out of the blue.

My mind was wandering through it’s random strings of thought, drifting from events of the day to events of the future when suddenly it landed squarely on a very disturbing string.

Death.  However not the fairly benign and rather intangible thought of death in general.  Not even the more disturbing concept of the loss of friends and family.  Rather, my mind quite unexpectedly and and vividly focused in on the thought that I will cease to exist at some point.

The thought was not that I will become a ghost or angel, or even spend my days in hell.  The thought was that I will one day be completely non existent and everything I have ever seen, said, loved and experienced will become complete and utter void.  Even darkness was not considered in this thought because the darkness is a  somewhat quantifiable state.  Void.  I briefly began to feel the absolute void that my life would become.

The thought was a completely selfish thought.  My current mindset tells me that I have left a legacy in the memories and lives I have touched.  In my void there was no legacy because I was nothing.  The continuity of reality beyond my death was meaningless because I was no longer able to give it meaning.  What is reality to any living being aside from a subjective interpretation of information?  Without being able to interpret it the information is useless; any concept I can conceive including the existence of reality beyond my death is rendered null when I become void.

I felt myself sinking…despair until despair lost meaning…a siphoning away of everything I cared for in the realization that without me, the meaning was irrelevant.  Selfish.

Then as fast as it came my mind built a wall.  I snapped out of it and lost touch with the mental construct (de-construct?) of the void that briefly existed in me.  Part of me tried to recover it despite it’s disturbing nature in order to search for some sort of meaning but my mind would have nothing of it.  Even now I struggle to retain enough of the feeling to provide an accurate description of it to convey.  I think my mind threw up the wall as a protective measure.  To exist with such a pure concept of the end of personal existence readily accessible to my conscious mind would quite likely drive me mad with thoughts of futility.

Today, I feel no worse for wear.  I just feel like I have been witness to a rare moment of clarity in my visualization of a rather elusive concept.  That being the concept of absolute non existence.  It has left me with one more thing however…It has left me with the hope that upon my death there will be something.  Anything.  Even a single tangible atom that my consciousness can latch onto to stave off the emptiness in the void.

Yay, I have a new full time job.
I had been contract for the last year and I finally got hired on.
Yay for benefits and 13% pay increase

Tee hee
This just makes me laugh…

And on another note, Google video is cool with it’t newish Put on Site Option…

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season, whatever it is that you do this time of year.
I for one an mostly just happy that I get a nice break from work for 4 days, then I work 2 days and get another 4 days off
Granted, one of them will be a moving day as we are leaving cracktown on the 30th for greener pastures on the opposite end of the city.

Be safe, have fun, don’t drink and drive, and if you will be getting presents, I hope they are all exactly what you wanted!

Peace!

Soooo…..What’s been going on….

I haven’t blogged anything in a while but a few things have happened.

Loba and I both have new jobs.

I’m within the same company but in a different division, in a slightly more technical position. It’s a nice change to be back in a nerdier position. I liked the other job I was doing as a coordinator, but man did I ever get sick of spreadsheets after a while
This has more to do with networking, routers etc….good times. I’m still on contract but there is a strong likelihood of it turning full time in the not so distant future which will be nice.

Loba has changed companies and she no longer deals with dead people. At least in working life. She is actually in the same company as me now, but in a different department. We don’t currently see each other at work. Maybe at some point down the road we will, but we will still be in different divisions so our work won’t overlap.

What else…We’re moving again.
All was going well, the house we are currently living in is fine. I never minded the neighbourhood, although Loba has always had her reservations about it.

At the beginning of this week we awoke to find out back yard fence demolished. Someone had driven their truck through it. Though we saw it in the parking lot behind our house, we for some reason decided not to report it at that time. I was running to work, and Loba feared retaliation if we reported it then and there. She would have been alone in the house and it just didn’t feel right. (Though in retrospect we should have done something then and there, but that’s neither here nor there at this point.)

The following morning, as I went to the front door at 5:05 am to turn on the porch light and start my car to warm it up, I noticed a hooded punk in my car. I was sure that I had locked the doors the night before. I called the police to report the break in and was told to call back at 7am to file a report. Ummm…WTF? I said…
Yes 7am. I did inspect my car shortly after and found the back window was smashed in and someone had indeed rifled through the car. The neighbours car was smashed as well.

Later that morning Loba reported the crime, a cop came, didn’t do anything or even file a report and left. Good times. My faith in the police now at an all time low.

Still later in the day Loba saw a marked car in the parking lot behind our house and went to talk to the officers. They said that there was a lot of drug activity in the area. Loba offered our assistance, and even our house if it was required for anything.

The next day we got a call from the officers who said they would like to take us up on the offer. Interesting I thought, I never thought that they would really consider the offer. But sure enough, that very night we had two police officers using my office for a stakeout! My life is a movie…Bizzare…

We were told that there were no less than 3 crack houses in the immediate vicinity of our house. Sweet. The officers spent the next evening in my office as well gathering evidence to get a search warrant on the houses in question. They said there was much traffic coming and going and they are getting a decent case for a search warrant.

So yes. We live in crack town. Also this week we decided that we’ve had enough of living in cracktown and went out to look at appartments in better areas. The first one we saw we absolutely loved! We looked at one more after it and it was ok, but not as nice as the first IMHO.

So we called that night, (I think it was Wednesday) and had the forms faxed by the next afternoon for our application, and gave them a deposit check the very next day.

So…We’re moving. On or about January first.
Whew….

What a week…

Just looking at my archives and I realized that as of the 13th of November, I will have been blogging for 4 years.

594 posts (Including this one) doesn’t seem like a lot for 4 years, but you know…I blog my way.
It’s no always interesting, but hey, neither am I

One of my more popular entries that has been referenced by a number of other websites is the Time traveller spam discussion that took on a life of it’s own over the past few years. It still pops up with new entries from time to time.

Another entry that I am often suprise by is the How often should I wash my hair? thread. I get more traffic from that little post than any other post I’ve ever made. And it suprises me as it was not really a serious post, just a link for the sake of linking to something. If you ask google “How often should I wash my hair?” I’m the first result. Funny that….

Anyway, thanks for the reading over the years folks, as I mentioned, It’s not always interesting, but nothing always is. I’m sure I’ll be updating this wee page for years to come.

Have fun.

So there we were, driving home from brunch on a residential street in Toronto’s downtown area. It was a dark day with gusting winds, a picturesque autumn day.

We were enjoying the sight of the leaves blowing off the big trees and swirling around on the street when something caught my eye.

A group of people were standing around one of the said big trees talking. I just happened to notice the following sequence of events.

1. My, that person looks rather startled…
2. The person is looking at the tree.
3. The whole group now looks startled.
4. The whole group is running, whilst looking back at the tree.
5. Hey, wow… something about that tree isn’t right.
6. That tree is bending awful funny.
7. Slam on the brakes.
8. That tree is falling…right toward us!
9. Holy CRAP! That tree just missed us and brushed up against the front of our car with it’s upper branches as it fell!

(The previous all happened in a period of about 2-3 seconds, It’s funny how the mind can slow moments like that down.)

Yep, this tree that must have been 5 stories high just picked that exact moment in it’s long life to nearly crush us. Seriously, if I had reacted just one second slower we at best would have had to get a new car, but at worst could have been splattered!

I wish I had the camera with us.

The first thing I thought after the tree came to rest was, “Welp…better go around” After which I parked the car for a few minutes to absorb just how close we came to being roadkill.

We returned home, had some wine and toasted to life and it’s unpredictability.

Maybe you should do the same. Sieze the moment, don’t put off living today because you might just end up snuffed out in a freak accident before tomorrow.

People on the subway are funny (And creepy and stinky and interesting, but today I focus on funny)

The people that I think make me laugh the most on the subway are the ones that make a mad dash for the doors as they are closing and just make it in. Then they look around expectantly and wide eyed as if to say “Wow! That was close eh!? But I did it! Did you see me do it? Were you enthralled and amazed by my cat like movements?”

Really, they make me laugh because people don’t care. If anything they are more concerned with the fact that said speedy just body checked and old woman and a baby to show their nimbleness and get to work 2 minutes earlier.

Conference calls suck….

Taking over other peoples projects mid way through…sucks….

You know you need to work out when you can let someone out of the subway car by simply sucking in your gut….

The Lotto is fun to play…but probably a big waste of money…but hey…you never know…

The words “Pork Chops” make me laugh, I don’t know why.

I want to buy a house…hopefully in the next couple of years…maybe the lotto will come through

The best thing about a county fair is the junk food. The carnies are a hoot too…but mmm…junk food….

Yes, I’m still here.
In Toronto.
Having fun.
Engaged.
Busy.
…
..
.

We were at our friends cottage this past weekend. Actually, Loba is still there, I had to come home to work.

This pic was taken on the boat ride to go get some lunch at as lakeside resort restaurant. Ahh good times…what a way to spend a day.

I want to own a cottage and a boat someday…

Then, I will get internet access there, and work from the cottage remotely. Oh yes….the dream life for me….

My computer, the internet, the lake out my window, and a fire burning to keep Loba and I nice and toasty warm…A boat on the dock, and a nice paycheck to go along with it all…
Saweeet….

I thought the day would never come.

But as of Friday, August 12th, 2005 I SMooSH aka Matt, am ENGAGED to Loba, aka Laura!

Yes, I asked the love of my life, the woman who makes every day of my life better to marry me and she said yes!

I asked her on a camping trip at Algonquin Park in Ontario Canada with our friends Rebecca and Omar.

Wow…It hardly seems real.

It didn’t seem that long ago that I was resigned to spending my life as a bachelor. It all changed the day that Wren, a friend of mine from home turned in her cubicle chair to Laura and asked the fateful question “You like nerds, right?”

Within a short time Laura and I were emailing, and withing the week we arranged to meet at the local pub in my old home of Simcoe Ontario. The Blue Elephant was the first place our eyes met, and my life has been glorious ever since.

We spent the following year commuting 1.5 hours back and forth to each others houses on weekends, and emailing up a storm.
In May of this year, we moved to a new house in Toronto. It was just around the block for Laura (My fiance!), but was a big move for me, the smalltown boy to the big city. Life has only been getting better since.

I went to the diamond shop (Thanks Spence!) and picked out a ring that I knew she would like almost a month ago now…and have had it hidden for the last week, staring at it every single day.

Update:
Here is the Flickr Photoset from the weekend.

And here…Is the moment…The very moment I asked Laura to marry me…(Windows media format)

Where to start….

So I’ve been in the city for a while now. I love it.
I’m working fairly long hours at my job, but the overtime is great.
I’ve been woring about 3 weeks non stop, weekends included. It’s nice to be working hourly at this rate.

I’m able to work from home exclusively now, which is nice and saves me almost $200 on transit costs per month. Not to mention the benefits of being able to listen to loud music, BBQ my lunch, and watch TV on my second monitor whilst I work.

This weekend I am going to Troy and Firda’s wedding reception, should be good times had by all. I don’t get to see my friends from back home often enough.

I’m turning 30 in just about a month’s time. Honestly, I’m not really concerned. It doesn’t seem like a grandeous event to me. Just another day. Maybe I’ll feel differently on the day when all my hair instantly falls out and my pot belly triples in size overnight, but we’ll just wait and see.

More bombs in London, not much to say other than, quit it you dirty bastards! You are disgusting excuses for human beings, and this sort of action is revolting in every sense.

Aphex Twin is playing in the background….truly motivational music when it comes to doing the mundane bits of my job.

Loba and I saw the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the other day. We both really enjoyed it. Remakes have a way of dissapointing, but this was a fine exception to the rule.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to spoil it.

So yes, I am almost 30 years old, and I did go out and pick up the new Harry Potter book on the morning it was released to the public.

I finished the 600+page book by Tuesday (an admittedly easy read) and I just have to say….wow….

It was an excellent read. I didn’t want to put it down, but I did have to get some work done. There were some great plot twists, and some truly unexpected events unfolded as I zipped through page after page.

After reading it, more than any of the other books I am greatly anticipating reading the events of the next book, and it can’t come soon enough.

I really love the characters and world these books weave for me. I hope my children read them when they are old enough. (granted, they must come into existence first) But I imagine they will be my books of choice for bedtime stories.

I highly recommend this latest book, and indeed the whole series to anyone of any age.

I wish I could spoil it, but I can’t because I don’t know anyone who’s read it yet…

Just want to say that my thoughts are out there for the people affected by the horrible situation in London today.

I know it pretty much goes without saying, but it still makes me sick, baffles me and disturbs me that there are people out there who think that this sort of thing is a good way to make a political statement.

How can anyones mind be so warped that they think killing innocent people is a good idea?

I just can’t imagine. It makes me very very sad.

List five things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal, and then tag five friends and ask them to post it to theirs:

1. Surfing the global-hyper-mega-interweb-net.
2. Playing video games (Juiced at the moment…good times)
3. Bugging Loba, then running away. Sometimes in fear of my life.
4. Making up and singing songs for and to myself.
5. Looking in the refridgerator to see if the ketchup and mustard are fighting.

On the topic of food that just seem wrong…
The Pork Souvlaki sub in the office vending machine also seems rahter scary and wrong.
So there.

You have to take what Loba says with a grain of salt.

Like yesterday…
She tells our friends “Oh, Matt is going on a roadtrip next weekend!”
Our friend: “Oh? Roadtrip eh? Where are you going?”
Me (Confused): “Ummm…downtown…to see a movie…”

Yes, she tends to exagerate, and make things up completely.
It’s funny, but sometimes really confusing to the people around her.

She will also deny the fact that she makes up stories, but any of her long time friends will confirm it.

What’s even funnier still is that she makes up stories that didn’t happen, then when her friends don’t remember it (Because it didn’t happen) she brushes it off like “Oh…you just don’t remember…Neither do you…and you…” It’s like all of her friends have serious blackout issues, all at the same time.

It makes me laugh…

Is it wrong that I actually like the office vending machine food?
Really…It’s not so bad…I know I should be a little frightened of it…but I just can’t help myself…

Is it wrong that I have picked a favourite urinal in the office washroom? Is it wrong that I am actually dissapointed when it’s in use when I get in there?

Is it wrong that I have my personal laptop on my desk and I’m playing euchre while I work on my spreadsheets? I am on overtime afterall…I’ve been staring at spreadsheets for 8 hours now…I’m waiting for other people to complete their work before I can leave…

So when I got home from a friends wedding yesterday, I was getting out of the car and something in the flower bed caught my eye.
What’s this…A bag of pot…marijuanna, leafy green, mary jane, dank bud, you know the stuff…
So now I’m thinking I know what the police were looking for the other day when they were snooping around the yard.
And I’m wondering if the people who ditched their weed in our flower bed were the ones who took our potted plants in frustration as they obviously couldn’t find their ganja…
Not about to start indulging in the joys of randomly found ditched street drugs, the sticky nugs are in the trash…Seems a waste. I’m sure it was probably medicinal.

It’s all coming together….