Potties, Poo and Parenthood

First off the warning.  If you read beyond this point you waive your right to complain about me being the guy who writes too much detail about his kid and forces information about her bowel movements on you.  You’ve been warned…

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The rumours you have heard are true; when you become a parent you automatically become obsessed with poop.

It starts with “Oh good god what the hell is that?  Is this where Marmite comes from?!” and from there steadily becomes a staple of conversation for the months to come.

• Did she poo this morning?
• What colour was it?
• How much poo?
• Was it runny? Hard?
• Has she been eating blue play-dough?
• When did she eat corn!?

Honestly, poo discourse becomes second nature very quickly.  It’s one of the best forms of feedback your child gives you about their general state of being.

Changing diapers and dealing with poo becomes something you can and will do in your sleep.  But after a while, after the novelty of  poo turns to a numb acceptance of the inevitability of poo, a third phase creeps into the mix.  The “When the hell is she going to learn to deal with this on her own” phase.

I have only potty trained one child in my life.  I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know that I could ever really advise anyone how to approach it.

For us it took a lot of subtle reasoning, and dare I say manipulation coupled with offers of material reward to get the job done.

“Are you a big girl? Or a baby?”
“A BIG GIRL!” (She yells a lot)
“Do big girls poo in their diapers? or the potty?”
“THE POTTY!”
“So where should you poo?”
“IN MY DIAPER!”
“Where do babies poo?”
“IN A DIAPER!”
“So are you a baby then?  Since you poo in your diaper?”
“I’M A BIG GIRL!”
“I’ll give you a sticker if you pee, and 2 if you poo!”
“I WANT 3!”
“Well played, 3 it is…”

I had the preceeding conversation about 200 times with my child.  Eventually she formed the idea that she was too big for diapers, and lo and behold we are now mostly potty trained and accident free.  (Actually for a couple of months now)

Sweet liberation!  We are still involved in the wiping and post-poo hand washing activities, but compared to the prior job it’s fantastic.

I should mention also that there comes into play another poo fascination phase after potty training is complete.  It’s the “Dear lord, did that seriously just come out of her?  It’s bigger than she is!  Honey come look at this!” phase.

Yeah.  Parenthood.  It’s sounds pretty strange when you actually write it down.