There is something sublime about sitting on your couch, nursing a cold hopped up on Neo-Citron, watching a movie like Ice Spiders.

This 3.3/10 gem (according to IMDB ratings) doesn’t hide behind metafore or other such fancy story telling devices. Yeah, it’s about giant cgi spiders that live in the snow. Occasionally jumping out and eating skiers from the nearby, extremely isolated ski resort.

Mmmm…Ski bums…so tasty. These spiders are of course a product of the conveniently located (extremely isolated) government genetics lab. A lab that certainly will have some ’splaining to do.

I’m only a fraction of the way through, but I’m pretty sure it will follow the predictable formula of:

- Spiders eat skiers
- Storm comes and traps everyone at the resort wit no chance for escape.
- Trained military unit conveniently stationed nearby will be wiped out by spiders.
- Salvation will be left to the teen olympic hopefuls visiting the resort, with the aid of the resident retired olympic skiing champion turned ski instructor, named Dash (how poetic).
- There will most certainly be a chase involving said olympic hopefuls and the spiders.
- There will certainly be lessons learned, both hard (Being eaten for being too arrogant) and soft (Golly, maybe I should stay in school…it’s safer)
- Roughly half of the cast will make it out alive after a glorious and ingenious plan takes shape.
- Everyone lives happily ever after….Or do they? <Cut to final shot of millions of spider eggs in the snow>

The best thing is, I don’t have to think about it. I don’t have to guess at anything. It is what it is. It isn’t subtle. It’s spiders. Ice spiders.

And they’re hungry.