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Over the past week or so life has thrown some darkness my way.  So how amid all this can one keep perspective and move on?

What I have found in my time here on good old planet earth is that it is important to take solace in the small but wonderful things that surround me every day.

I take a moment now and then to sit on my deck in the sunlight, close my eyes and simply listen.  I breathe in the world as it is with all my senses and let the music of the world, the music of life, wash over me.  The birds still sing, the wind still blows, and the sun still warms my skin.  Somewhere someone mows the lawn and somewhere someone hammers away, creating something new.  It’s in these moments that I see that what is important in life is life itself.

I take a moment and cherish the experience of sitting with my sticky, goofy, wonderful child while she eats her watermelon and stares at the clouds.

“That one looks like me daddy!  It has eyes and a mouth!”

When the sun retreats behind a cloud she complains of being cold so I kneel down and wrap my arms around her.  “Are you warm now?” “I love you daddy.”  Chomp chomp chomp…watermelon really is great isn’t it?

I sit at my computer.  I read the words of friends and family.  I see the recorded moments of new children, new love and new pains.  I see that despite whatever may be happening in my life, life moves on in all its wonder.  This makes me smile, and gives me perspective.  It’s not all about me and my problems.  It’s about everyone.  Everyone’s joys, everyone’s pain and everyone’s moments.

With this perspective I move on and  embrace my life with all it’s ups and downs.  I let it shape me, but not break me.  I let it wash over me, but not pull me down.  I experience the world, never alone, but a connected and important part of it; making my own music and enjoying the  symphony of which I am a part.

That’s how I keep my perspective.  That’s how I find a way to smile, whatever comes my way.

Have fun today and take a moment to listen.  You may be pleasantly surprised by what you hear.

Below, as a matter of public record is a letter to certain members of my family who will not be named, but know who they are.

—————

As you all know I have made choices in my life which differ from many of you.  As a result I have been ostracized by my family on a number of occasions.  While this is painful, it has been something I have been willing to live with to a point.  I have forgiven you numerous times and carried on, respecting your beliefs and your right to them.  I have respected your choices and have never spoken any ill will directed to you.

It was my hope that in time you could realize that despite our differing beliefs, I am still a good person who strives at every opportunity to bring love and respect to the world.  I have made mistakes along the way as we all have, and I have always trusted that my family would forgive them and respect me for my overall intentions to do good and be a loving and moral person.

Years have passed and I have learned much. Most importantly I have learned how to be a loving husband, father, brother and son.  I strive daily to treat others with respect and dignity; lessons I have learned from you, my family, and my upbringing.

Time and time again I have attempted to bridge the gaps that exist in our relationship with kindness and a smile; only to be met with further indignity and slight.  I have never tried, nor would I ever dream of making attempt to change or challenge the beliefs that bring you so much joy.

This being said; it is becoming ever more apparent that my hopes of living in a complete family filled with unconditional love, the type of family I hope to raise my daughter in,  is simply a dream that cannot be realized given the way in which we have chosen to live our respective lives.  Our diverse outlooks are simply incompatible.  I have attempted  to respect you and your beliefs, but yours preclude any possibility of you respecting mine.  In fact, they dictate that you treat me in a manner which can only be described as 20 year cycle of psychological and emotional abuse.

I cannot in good conscience have my daughter exposed to people who subscribe to a belief system that would willingly support the extreme mental and emotional anguish you have each personally chosen to put me through over the last 20 years.  I would never put her in that situation at any cost.  It is a belief and action that is truly abhorrent to me on every level and goes against everything I ever learned about the concept of a loving God.  I struggle with the idea that essentially good people such as yourselves can support it. Because you can; I will not have my beautiful daughter know you in any way.

Please know that I will never forget the good that you have contributed to my life, and I will continue to never speak ill of any of you.  However beyond that, I will henceforth  cease to speak to you, attempt to include you in my life, or try to engage you on any meaningful level.  Rest at ease that you no longer have to make this continued decision for yourselves;  no option to the contrary exists for you any longer.  Any remaining love and respect I had for you for you has finally been diminished after the years of systemic abuse you have subjected me to.  Should we cross paths in future it will now be as strangers to be avoided.  You need not worry that we may inadvertently strike up friendly conversation; this option is no longer an option for you.

I hope that this brings you some peace and happiness.  It is the cumulative result of the continued affronts and indignities you have served to me and my real family over all of these years.

You may not believe me at this point, but I truly hope that you find your beliefs to be true, for I would never wish upon any of you that you might come to the realization that you have wounded me and our family so deeply — for nothing.

Please know that this has been entirely my decision, and I hope that no one else in our family needs to suffer because I have chosen to be a good person in a different manner than you.

To those reading this for whom it does not apply; I love you and I always will — unconditionally. You are truly wonderful people whom I am proud to call my family.

To the rest; take care of yourselves, find happiness and love in the paths you choose as you walk them without me.

With a heavy heart,

SMSH
July 2010

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This weekend it was just you and me Lily.  Mommy was off on a well deserved  vacation so we spent the weekend visiting and playing.

You rode a two wheeler with training wheels for the first time a Belle’s, played with puppies and spent a lot of time jumping on Coco’s trampoline.

All that was great fun, but there is something that sticks out in my mind even more.  Sunday it was just you and I at home alone on a hot day.  We needed some supplies so we got ready to drive to the grocery store.  At the last minute you asked “Can we walk to the store?”  Great idea.  We’d have to limit our shopping list but it would be a good start to the day.  When asked what you wanted to buy you replied with almost no hesitation “Lemons”  Umm… sure.  We’ll make lemonade, good idea.

We made our excursion to the grocery store and returned with the days supplies in hand.

We squeezed all our lemons together and laughed most of the time we were doing it as we each tasted the lemons and puckered our faces.

We took our lemonade out to the shade of the maple tree by the side walk and drank it while you showed me how to play hop scotch.

We followed up the lemonade with big slices of watermelon and chalk drawings of our family.  Eventually as all of our activities finally do, it turned into a wrestling/tickling match in the shade of our big tree.  Afterwards you took a rest and lay your head on my lap as you finished some watermelon remnants.  You let me stroke your hair while you stared up at the sky and talked about clouds and air planes and told a few crazy stories.

Lunch came and went and we both had our naps to recharge our batteries.

Next we pulled out the giant bubble maker and we filled up the neighbourhood with giant bubbles; each of us took turns kicking, poking and biting the bubbles up and down the street while the other took control of the bubble maker.

As we had now had our fill of sun we came inside for a snack and an afternoon movie.  It was Bambi.  You had never seen it before and you were a bit tuckered out so you curled up next to me on the couch and we watched it beginning to end.  It was hard to explain to you why Bambi’s mommy didn’t come back.  I don’t think you understand yet, but we’ll work on that in time.

Oh, on a somewhat related note; about the flowers in the vase, the ones who’s stems were to short to reach the water so they shrivelled up.  You were so sad that they were ‘sick’, so after I added some water to the vase and told you that it would take a bit of time for them to get better I snuck out to the back yard and replaced them with healthy flowers for you.  When you saw them again later you responded with “Daddy!  They got all better!  I’m sooo happy!”  I figured I would tell you about my little deception now before I forgot about it.

We cooked corn for dinner and ended the day with a bath and a bit more cuddling before bed.

All in all it was a day filled with relatively simple pleasures.  Bubbles, watermelon, chalk drawing….  But you know what?  It was one of the best days I have had in a very long time.  A very spiritually refreshing day.  I took a very long route to get to why I started this little note.  What I really wanted to say is don’t underestimate the power of simple pleasures.  The world will throw a lot of complex, wild and interesting entertainment options at you as you grow up.  Some of which will be beyond my imagination I’m sure.  But don’t be fooled into thinking that these are the only way to have a good time.

All the high definition, surround sound, immersive and mind blowing technologies in the world would have a hard time standing up compared to the fun you can have by simply sitting in the shade, eating watermelon and blowing bubbles with someone you love.

I hope you never lose sight of that.

Love Dad.

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First off the warning.  If you read beyond this point you waive your right to complain about me being the guy who writes too much detail about his kid and forces information about her bowel movements on you.  You’ve been warned…

—-

The rumours you have heard are true; when you become a parent you automatically become obsessed with poop.

It starts with “Oh good god what the hell is that?  Is this where Marmite comes from?!” and from there steadily becomes a staple of conversation for the months to come.

• Did she poo this morning?
• What colour was it?
• How much poo?
• Was it runny? Hard?
• Has she been eating blue play-dough?
• When did she eat corn!?

Honestly, poo discourse becomes second nature very quickly.  It’s one of the best forms of feedback your child gives you about their general state of being.

Changing diapers and dealing with poo becomes something you can and will do in your sleep.  But after a while, after the novelty of  poo turns to a numb acceptance of the inevitability of poo, a third phase creeps into the mix.  The “When the hell is she going to learn to deal with this on her own” phase.

I have only potty trained one child in my life.  I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know that I could ever really advise anyone how to approach it.

For us it took a lot of subtle reasoning, and dare I say manipulation coupled with offers of material reward to get the job done.

“Are you a big girl? Or a baby?”
“A BIG GIRL!” (She yells a lot)
“Do big girls poo in their diapers? or the potty?”
“THE POTTY!”
“So where should you poo?”
“IN MY DIAPER!”
“Where do babies poo?”
“IN A DIAPER!”
“So are you a baby then?  Since you poo in your diaper?”
“I’M A BIG GIRL!”
“I’ll give you a sticker if you pee, and 2 if you poo!”
“I WANT 3!”
“Well played, 3 it is…”

I had the preceeding conversation about 200 times with my child.  Eventually she formed the idea that she was too big for diapers, and lo and behold we are now mostly potty trained and accident free.  (Actually for a couple of months now)

Sweet liberation!  We are still involved in the wiping and post-poo hand washing activities, but compared to the prior job it’s fantastic.

I should mention also that there comes into play another poo fascination phase after potty training is complete.  It’s the “Dear lord, did that seriously just come out of her?  It’s bigger than she is!  Honey come look at this!” phase.

Yeah.  Parenthood.  It’s sounds pretty strange when you actually write it down.

I created a new Facebook account today. I was interested in what the current, default settings are.

Upon browsing to the privacy setting I am faced with what looks like a nice and simple set of privacy controls.  ”Hey, great!”, thinks I, “Facebook has been promising this for a while.”

So the default settings look okay-ish, albeit not as private as some may think they are.

It likes to share your posts, status updates and photo’s with the world by default.  ”The world” meaning anyone with an internet connection.  This is pretty open, but not really more-so than a weblog or a personal website.  The problem may be in the expectations of the users.  I won’t delve into all that.

I do like the fact that the default privacy screen does give you a fairly easy way to change most of the settings from the default “recommended settings” to a couple of other presets, like Friends of Friends, and Friends Only.  The latter is my preferred setting, so with a couple of clicks I can make this the case…

“Great.  Now only people I deem as friends can access my profile information.  All is well.  Isn’t it?”  Oh brain…if only it were that easy.  Let’s jump past the fancy, drop dead easy privacy screen that just made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Let’s take a very quick look at the “Applications and websites section”.  In particular lets look at “Information accessible through your friends”  Say what now?  I though I was only sharing info to my friends.  Not through my friends.

Let’s look at those settings.

That is an awful lot of check boxes… lets read what this section is “Use the settings below to control which of your information is available to applications, games and websites when your friends use them. The more info you share, the more social the experience.”

So let me get this straight… Even though I previously just said “I only want my friends to see my information.” You remember, on that big fancy new privacy screen that even grandma can understand; even though I just said that, there are these settings hidden a level deeper that say “forget all that”.  These settings say that if my friend Joey decides to play Poodleville, that now the makers of Poodleville can see all of the information that my friends can.  But the makers of Poodleville are not my friends, are they?   I don’t understand.

And oh look.  Joey just installed Scam-ville, Data-miner-ville and I’ll-post-your-private-beach-photos-on-pervy-sites-ville.  They too can now see all my stuff.  My relationships, status updates, photos, videos, notes, etc….  Lo and behold, it turns out that the owner of Scam-ville also owns Pedo-ville and they too would love to see those pictures of my kid in the bathtub that I posted for grandma.

Why wasn’t this included in their fancy new privacy settings?   You know, the back door into all my data.    Why is the default option such that my friends bad decisions can compromise all of the information that I believed was private based on the screen prior?

I am no expert on Facebook privacy.  I believe I am reasonably locked down within the scope of what is possible on Facebook.  But in this little experiment, I was admittedly shocked that this is the default setting.

I would personally suggest navigating to Account >Privacy Settings

Look to the bottom of the page for “Applications and websites” and the “Edit your settings” option.

Look for “Information accessible through your friends”.

Edit the settings.

Uncheck everything.

I think it is horribly irresponsible of Facebook to allow such a setting to remain the default.  It is ridiculously exploitable.

Update: Thanks to victorymanual for providing this link to a tool that checks your privacy settings for you.  I thought it should make it to the post proper.

Try it here:

http://www.reclaimprivacy.org/facebook

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